I had a post all written out, ready to go. A not-so-vague analogy about not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, about overgeneralizing and being overzealous. A growing concern about a lack of finesse.
Then I signed up for another dating service, and realized I’d forgotten how bad it really is, and that I was way out of touch with a female-presenting person’s everyday experience {1}.
Shortly after I got kicked off Match.com (which, by the way, is still advertising directly to me on OK Cupid, as of today) I decided to check out some of the other dating apps. Some are good, some are bewildering, and a few have a social media component.
In particular, there’s Boo. Boo tries to say that it’s going to match folx by personality rather than just swiping or looks, and partially by having a social area where people can effectively "mingle."
And it wasn’t long before I ran across this post where a female-presenting person very reasonably points out that "nobody ever tells MEN to ‘smile more’ on their photos."
Yeah, that’s me responding "The irony of so many men getting defensive and saying it’s in your head and then immediately saying you should just smile is just… it’d be funny if it wasn’t so tragic."
Why? Well.
Because it was true.
There were more. A lot more.
This. Is. Bullshit.
When we say "believe women," this is what we’re talking about. The original poster was relating her experience, and these men immediately turned around and not only said they didn’t agree — but that she was wrong about her own experience.
These three (and the others who responded similarly) deliberately doubled down and explicitly told the original poster to smile. They knew exactly what they were doing. They did it on purpose.
This is why women choose the bear. A woman expressed something that bothered her. A bunch of men immediately dismissed her experience entirely while doubling down on it. Their responses demonstrate a complete lack of consideration and empathy for someone else’s experience. Their responses are helpful only in that they serve as a warning to all women that those men will completely ignore their partner’s concerns.
What if the guy says he’s not intending to be sexist? Does he automatically "not believe women"? Well, given our sample above, you’d be skeptical, right? Too often, this is where these discussions get stuck — where intention and the effect of behavior are mixed up together. This is the place that more than one relationship of mine has wrecked against. {2}
That’s the discussion I want to have. That we, as a society, eventually need to have. I want to talk about that place where someone might stumble, or cause offense and not mean to, and how to navigate that. To reinforce that acknowledging someone else’s experience is different than ascribing motivations. That there’s a difference between "blame" and "responsible" and "fault." That there are ways to argue toward a common goal and understanding, rather than "winning." That being wrong can be a gift.
But we can’t have that conversation. Not while we’re still reading reports of how women are facing as much sexual harassment in the workplace, and seeing gaslighting scrotes being the loudest examples of men everywhere. It is not just the norm; we literally have a convicted harasser running for president. It is everywhere. It is a literal horror movie.
So, men, if you want to get to that place of discussion I just mentioned, start making skeevy sexists feel like the scum they are. Call them out on their sexism. Make it your business.
And when a woman tells you they feel uncomfortable, listen, and do something about it. {3}
{1} I guess that says something good about my current social circle?
{2} Not to claim I’m without fault or that was the only factor. And just because you try to be better does not mean that you’re able to meet their price of admission, even if you want to. And to be 100% clear, I blame sexist behavior from men here.
{3} I’m sorry I was not able to do enough.
Featured Photo by Delia Giandeini on Unsplash