I was kicked off Match.com within 15 minutes, and not gently.
The app froze while I was still filling out my profile, logged me out, and then threw up a generic error message when I tried to log back in. My email had one message from Match with a subject line "Steven, we’re glad you’re here," and 12 minutes later, a subject line "Your Match account has been terminated."
But this is not a story about discrimination; it turns out I had unwittingly violated their TOS. This is a story about bad advertising, bad UI design, and bad customer service.
I’ve been on OK Cupid for well over a decade, with varying levels of annoyance at the platform. Still, I have persisted, as it was one of the first to allow you to expressly identify as non-monogamous without shunting you into a completely separate app back in 2016. I’ve been listed as non-monogamous on OKC since they allowed it.
In the last year or so, OKC has begun suggesting other Match Group apps for me to try. OK Cupid was bought by Match Group in 2011 in its domination of the dating app world. It seemed pretty obvious that it was pulling from my demographic data: The ads for their "senior" offerings began showing up shortly after my 50th birthday. Match Group also reportedly will ban people across all its owned networks, so they do cross-reference their data.
Among the sites that I was "personally invited to" (in the language of the ads) was Match.com itself.
For some reason, I’d never actually signed up there, so after getting presented with yet another ad, I figured I’d give it a try.
The signup is pretty routine, easy, and straightforward. The screens are simple, usually with only one or two basic demographic questions per page. Like any dating app, the basic onboarding asks your birthday, first name, and then for your email before setting up the full profile.
They all look rather like this (you can click to embiggen images at the blog itself):
I did all that, started setting up my profile, filling out some basic information. As usual, in my "introduction" paragraph, I openly state that I’m polyamorous/ENM, and my current relationship(s).
It was shortly after that, while adding in some "interests" and the like that the app froze and locked me out.
The email saying my account had been terminated gave no details:
Your account has been terminated.
We’re sorry to say goodbye, but we do not allow anyone who has violated our terms of use. This is to protect our Match community. Need more information?
See terms of use
When I followed that link (feel free to click it; I left the tracking info on it on purpose), it sent me to this general help page:
So much for getting an explanation there. So I replied to the email:
I was in the process of creating an account and filling in my information when my account was terminated for violating the TOS. The email does not explain what about the TOS was violated, or how, or if there was a way to appeal.
If I could be informed as to how I violated the TOS, that would be
fabulous.
The first customer service rep didn’t have an answer:
Based on the findings, I’ve reviewed your account and need to escalate
your concern to a different department. I am emailing your inquiry now
and someone should respond to you via email.
and it wasn’t until the second representative, two days later, that I got an actual answer.
Please note that Match welcomes all single adults seeking one-to-one
relationships. However, we do not cater to individuals who are already
in a relationship or marriage. Per the terms agreed to during the
subscription process, you must be single or separated from your spouse
to register as a member of Match or use our site. Therefore, your
account has been terminated.We appreciate your understanding.
Our Terms of Use can be referenced at the following link:
http://www.match.com/registration/membagr.aspx
http://www.match.com/registration/membagr.aspx.If you paid to attend an upcoming Match Event, please know your name has
been removed from the RSVP list and any charges associated with the
event have been refunded.
Which, y’know, is fine. I get that not everyone is okay with ethical non-monogamy, and have no problem with there being a space for people who are only interested in monogamous relationships. I have no interest shoving myself into places that aren’t for me.
I was a little concerned, though, that I’d somehow missed that criteria. So I went back through the onboarding process (taking the screenshots above as I went).
Did you see the notice that you had to be single or separated from your spouse in the above screenshots? It’s there… sort of.
First, you had to actually click on the "Terms" in the onboarding process.
That takes you to this page of much smaller print, filling up my 1920×1080 screen:
You then have to scroll down a page to find it under item 2, point 3: "You are single or are separated from your spouse"
So to recap:
- Match Group solicits me with targeted advertising on OKC, where I am listed as non-monogamous, to join their other sites.
- I sign up for Match, not realizing that I was violating a section of their TOS that was behind a link by merely being non-monogamous. After all, they invited me.
- The app freezes during my profile creation, my account is terminated, and it takes two customer service reps (and two days) to even point me to the reason why.
I’m making a bit of a presumption that when a service terminates your account due to a TOS violation, there’s some sort of checkbox or criteria recorded as to why. It would be trivial to use that to auto-fill text in their emails to point to the relevant portions of the TOS. Why they haven’t gone to this small effort is beyond me; it would save them time and money and reduce ill-will.
Likewise, Match could have forestalled the whole thing kindly by during the onboarding process having any nicely-worded statement like, "Match is exclusively for those who are single or separated from their spouses. Here are our other sites where we’re happy to have you!" Since, y’know, Match Group owns sites that are open to non-monogamy. Once again, absolutely minimal cost, reduction of ill-will, and possibly turning that person into a customer elsewhere. Heck, they could even have done that in the account termination email.
Finally, someone in Match Group’s internal marketing team needs a wake-up call. Actively soliciting me to join your sites that your own data shows I do not qualify for and then terminating the account without immediate explanation is… icky.
Again, I have no interest shoving myself into places that aren’t meant for me. I have no interest in trying to trick anyone into thinking I’m something I’m not, or to convert or convince anyone to change their relationship style. I want people to do what works best and is healthiest for them.
None of this had to occur; I do not sign up for "Christian Mingle" or "Farmers Only" or "The Right Stuff" because they are openly and clearly not communities that I’m part of. I would have done the same with Match.com had it been obvious.
Instead, I’m left with a really negative feeling toward Match Group as a whole because of how it was handled after they directly solicited me as a customer. Instead of being gently told, "this club’s not for you," I was shoved onto the street with my wallet (figuratively) tossed after me after they’d begged me to show up at the club.
Online dating is awful enough, and the statistics are horrible. This (If you’ve not seen the video below, I strongly encourage you to. It explains why online apps tend to be worse for men, just due to the sheer statistics of the thing.)
And Match Group owns so much of the dating app market that — no joke — an article about dating apps not owned by Match Group resorted to counting ASHLEY MADISON as an alternative dating app.
While Match Group (apparently) hasn’t decided that my faux pas with Match.com requires me being kicked off their other apps that do allow non-monogamy, their handling of this situation really highlights for me Match Group’s attitude toward its users, and that they have no particular interest in making an already awful experience any easier.
DISCLOSURE: While I am not currently a paid member of any of Match Group’s apps/sites, I have been a paying member of more than one in the past.