When you’re dealing with a narcissist {1} or otherwise manipulative person, it’s… exhausting, to put it mildly.
Trying to process the constant lying, the shifting of blame, and the gaslighting is really time and energy intensive, because what they say and do just doesn’t quite add up.
The good news is, there’s a way to lessen that impact.
There are a number of models/variants — “Observe don’t absorb,” “FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt)“, and “greyrocking” for three examples — but they all have a similar central concept:
- You do not take what they’re saying personally. You observe it, but you do not absorb it. Instead, you think about how they’re using their words to manipulate you, and, if safe to do so {2}, you may call them on it.
The point of their words is not to convey information and to increase understanding, but instead to elicit a response from you.
The beautiful thing is that these techniques also help you separate out those with ill intent.
Shortly after meeting a new friend, I recommended the Murderbot series to them.
They said: “Okay, so you used my name to get my attention, identified the common difficulty of having people sometimes recommend inappropriate things to you, then gave me two details that you thought would help show how your recommendation is different and that you really think I’d enjoy them.”
I was a little surprised, but just replied, “Yup, that’s correct!”
Because it was. End of story.
In contrast to, say, lying your face off to blame someone else for disasters and actions that were directly your fault.
If you take that kind of communication at face value, it’s difficult to respond. The words are sort of right, but are also very obviously wrong at the same time in a way that’s hard to articulate.
If you use one of the techniques above, though, it’s much easier to deal with emotionally. You don’t waste your time and energy trying to make sense of language that is meant to be hard to parse and deal with.
And once you’re no longer spinning your wheels trying to make sense of their nonsense, you are able to stop being shocked and start being able to do something about it.
{1} Or someone who does narcissistic behaviors; I’m using the term just for brevity.
{2} I cannot stress enough the safety note on that last one; narcissistic and manipulative people will react badly to being called out on it, no matter how kind or inoffensive you are about it.
Featured Image by Sammy-Sander from Pixabay