Courting a Polyamorous Person: Clearing Out Some Misconceptions

This is the first of our guest posts; they were originally posted on FetLife.

There’s three big reasons why I’m posting them (with permission).

  1. They highlight and dissect some of the preconceptions around polyamory.

  2. They have a specific point of view and audience that may not be the same as my own (and that’s good).

  3. They show that relationships – especially polyamorous relationships, but it’s true of all relationships – are individual things.

See the preface from Monday if you missed it!

And since it needs to be spelled out, each post reflects an individual opinion and experience. Take it as such.

If you don’t know any of the terms (such as metamour), the glossary at is a great place to start.

On with the guest post!

It seems that there are those out there that need some tips when it comes to courting a person who is involved in a polyamorous relationship, and who has an anchor.

First and foremost you need to understand that the anchor relationship is the commitment. They are not always married, but know just because they don’t have the paperwork their commitment to each other is just as, if not stronger then, most marriages. The anchor relationship will always come first and thus deserves your respect. Any and all decisions will be made to strengthen that relationship. This does not lessen you or what you build with the partner you are courting. That relationship will also be respected and cherished by both anchors as they will always want their partner to be happy.

Be understanding if conversations are sometimes cut short because the anchor is calling, these phone calls will always be taken. Be understanding if a scheduled date needs to be canceled to accommodate something going on in the anchors life. The anchor relationship will always supersede all other relationships. It doesn’t mean you are not important but the anchor relationship must always be honored and respected. That being said the anchor will try not to interrupt your date nights with their partner unless there is an emergency. A happy healthy relationship is always the end goal.

Be understanding of the partners time. If you know the partner is with either their anchor or another metamour then please don’t blow up their phone with text. You wouldn’t like it if that was your time with them and the metamours or the anchor were constantly interrupting it taking the attention away from you.

If there is a preexisting dynamic, especially if that dynamic is between the anchors, you should always show it the respect and honor it deserves. Never show your ignorance and belittle any role within it. I personally have seen this happen numerous of times. Trust me it makes you look ridiculous. Plus it pisses off the person in the role you have just ignorantly tried to verbally trample on. Just because it is not your kink, and you don’t understand it doesn’t give you the right to insult any part of it.

Partners talk to each other. Please don’t think you can bad mouth any aspect of one partner and think it won’t get back to them. The whole point of polyamorous , especially being in a BDSM relationship and being polyamorous, is open communication. Think before you talk because once that shoe is in your mouth it won’t come back out very easily, and it will be an uphill battle for you to join the family. If you even will be granted that honor at all.

Be a good metamour, or a good potential metamour. No, you don’t have to be besties with your metamour but reaching out and getting to know them shows you respect their position within the relationship. Plus, you both have interest in the same person, so obviously you have the same great taste. You never know you might just make a friend or an advocate. Not reaching out could cost you the relationship, as it could be seen as a sign that you don’t respect the relationship or dynamic. Anchors generally listen to each other when choosing new partners. It’s important to them that they don’t choose someone that makes their partner uncomfortable or someone who has disrespected their anchor.

Usually anchor relationships have rules and boundaries with their other relationships. What they are allowed to do and not do with other people, and what they keep for just their relationship. It is very important that you learn them, follow them, and respect them! Not doing so will cost you your relationship with your partner.

Remember it takes a lot of love, strength, confidence and commitment to a person to be able to share them. When a couple is in a thriving polyamorous relationship they will protect it at all cost and be very picky who they let in as to protect the family as a whole, because ultimately that is what all the pieces join together to become, a big happy loving strong polyamorous family.

Featured Photo by Jiroe on Unsplash