Tipped off to check my “Other” mail in Facebook, I found a very… puzzling rant. (I’ve only redacted one person’s name and the cursing; I will note that both the person referred to is male, and I’m guessing the person who wrote it is also male.)
So are you just another gender stereotyping #######? You don’t think a man can be raped? Well, [redacted] was in his past. You should NOT make assumptions and you sure as hell should never think you can tell someone to STFU because you feel safe behind a monitor. Until you know EVERYTHING about a person who makes a post you see, you never act like you did which was like a person with a corncob up their ass. The way you acted made me wonder if you are one of those teabagger ####heads.
Maybe you should do everyone a favor and go suck on a the business end of a pistol because you clearly have no sensitivity and it would probably taste better than the #### covered foot that you inserted into your mouth.
YOU are one of the reasons why this country has mass shooters. Next time, think before you speak.
This was from back in March, and I think I know what it’s referring to. Maybe. I’m not really compelled by this hate letter to go find out. But I do want to talk about it for a moment.
If I remember correctly, it was a feminist issue and one of my female friends was talking about it. Given the context, it was probably about rape culture, and the violence that women face. What I do remember, is that the guy in question was busy mansplaining to the women who were talking.
And so I told him to STFU and let the women talk for once.
So here’s the four interesting points:
1. I’m radically misclassified politically and socially. Which shows how crappy Facebook is for political discussion more than anything else.
2. Wow – violence much? Especially in a conversation about violence towards others? (Let’s set aside the potential legal issues of issuing threats across state lines, hm?) I – unlike the person who wrote this – am kind of public. They apparently blocked me, so unlike my publicly-noticeable self, they really are anonymous on the internet and hiding behind a screen.
3. Yeah, I didn’t know that guy was raped. Which sucks. It’s horrible. (So nice of his friend to reveal personal details the survivor didn’t want to, by the way.)
4. This message was intended to silence feminist speech.
This letter is a perfect example of what Rock Paper Shotgun wrote about the other day.
The original post – as best I can recall, and the discussion that triggered this response for certain – was about violence toward women. Approximately ONE IN SIX (some studies suggest 1 in 5) women will be sexually assaulted during their life. Approximately 3% (based on a UK study) of men will report a non-consensual sexual experience during their adult life. But the letter writer was right. Changing rape culture does need to be about respecting people, not genders or roles.
And it’s quite possible – hell, probable – that I was too blunt and brusque.1
But that misses the larger point.
Because guys won’t get told it’s their fault because they were out too late. Or that they shouldn’t have been alone. Or that their pants were too tight. Or that they “really” meant yes. Or that they shouldn’t be friendly if they aren’t sexually interested. Or that they’re just such a tease.
Because in our culture, men do not have to be constantly wary of being sexually assaulted – and do not have to worry about being blamed if they’re attacked.
It’s horrible that anyone is raped. Ever.
And pretending that rape culture impacts men and women the same way is still bullshit.
And it’s worse than that. The day after I got this message, I mentioned it to a few women 2 I know while figuring out what to write. That’s where I got a lot of the “guys won’t get told” paragraph. When I asked them if I could quote
what they said, they all agreed.
If they were kept anonymous.
They were concerned that the person who wrote the hate mail – or some other rape apologist – would track them down. It didn’t matter that there’s
no names associated with this post, or that it took place last month, or
They were still concerned that a random rape apologist would try to hurt them.
Tell me again that rape culture – and in a larger sense, sexist crap – impacts men the same way that it does women.
1 Probably not, though. IIRC, the guy in question was being quite rude to the women in the discussion thread.
2 Online? Offline? In chat? During a phone call? In person? At a meetup? None of your business.