"That’s just like what he said before he screwed me over."
I’ve heard variations on that too many times in my life.
Too many times where some manipulative person had threatened suicide to get what they wanted. Had lovebombed to trap a victim. Had weaponized empathy.
Had shared some adjectives with me when they hurt others.
And it made my life harder.
Too many times where I was judged not for myself, but for the actions of someone who just looked like me.
As much as that has hurt me over the years, I would not have it any other way.
You might have expected that paragraph to go another way.
Statistically, you’d be right. There’s a long, long history of cis white men complaining, and it’s only gotten louder in recent years.
Sometimes they say "But it’s not all…" Sometimes it’s about wanting their own month or parades. Sometimes it’s "white lives matter." Sometimes it’s just saying it isn’t fair.
They’re all impotent whining losers.
I am a cisgendered white middle class middle-aged male.
There are many, many horrible people who share some of those very visible characteristics.
Sometimes it’s at a personal level, where someone who looks or sounds like me has abused another. Sometimes it’s at a societal level, like the sociopaths too stupid to realize they’re killing themselves along with the rest of us. Sometimes it’s somewhere in-between, like the women who are consistently demeaned by people who look like me, or the BIPoC people who are discriminated against by people who look like me, or the queer folx who fear for their basic rights and safety thanks to people who look like me.
Asking others to lower their absolutely justified defenses when they don’t know me is arrogance of the highest sort.
Before you wonder it: Yes, I’ve been falsely accused as well. Deal with it.
Yes, it’s frustrating.
So don’t get mad. Don’t whine.
Pick yourself up and do the damn work to make things better.
Exhume and eliminate your own prejudices and bigotry — no matter how unconscious or structural it is — relentlessly.
Speak openly and loudly against bigots and bigotry. Every time.
Make space for other voices and then get out of the way.
Use your privilege to help, not harm.
Do better.
Not because you get a reward or recognition, but because it’s the right thing to do.
You gotta be one of the good guys, because there’s too damn many of the bad. — Jesse Custer