As I worked my way out of my toxic relationship, one person was invaluable in getting my head screwed on straight. Important enough that I dedicated my collection Kicking The Habit to her, saying that she saved me.
It’s not an exaggeration.
And in the process, I hurt her badly. Emotionally. I screwed up large parts of her life. More than a few times, she relied on me and I completely let her down. My actions did not always follow my intent – both my stated intent and my desired intent.
The details of that aren’t just mine, so I’m not going into them here.
Suffice to say that I was a shithead.
I like to think – I hope – that I am not the same person that treated her so badly. I hope that I am no longer the person who repaid kindness and understanding with weakness and selfishness.
But that is the downside of relying on a trend line.
Your missteps, your mistakes – all of these are someone else’s pain. They will remember that pain, that hurt, and it will have consequences on the way they treat you down the road.
And you have to acknowledge that and deal with the pain you have caused.
Because all you can do is apologize, do better the next time, and hope that is enough.
I’m sorry, Cynthia.