[tape begins]
Thank you for letting me defend myself. Your honor, it’s silly that anyone would file domestic violence charges against me. I mean, I love her.
[muffled voice of judge and prosecutor]
Sure, your honor. I told her that I wanted to hurt her, but it was because I loved her so much. I didn’t actually do it, so that makes it okay, right?
[muffled voice of judge]
Your honor, she needs someone to protect her from all the bad things out there.
[muffled voice of prosecutor, then judge]
Yes, I broke into her house and spied on her. No, your honor, I don’t call that voyeurism. I call it love.
[muffled voice of judge and prosecutor]
Of course I stopped her from talking to other boys. You know what all boys want. She doesn’t need to be around people like that. And sometimes she just doesn’t get it, so I have to scare her a little. But it’s for her own good.
[muffled voice of judge, bang of gavel]
Guilty? How can I be guilty? I sparkle in the sunlight!
[pause in recording]
Why is your bailiff named Buffy?