Court Case – a flash fiction


[tape begins]

Thank you for letting me defend myself. Your honor, it’s silly that anyone would file domestic violence charges against me. I mean, I love her.

[muffled voice of judge and prosecutor]

Sure, your honor. I told her that I wanted to hurt her, but it was because I loved her so much. I didn’t actually do it, so that makes it okay, right?

[muffled voice of judge]

Your honor, she needs someone to protect her from all the bad things out there.

[muffled voice of prosecutor, then judge]

Yes, I broke into her house and spied on her. No, your honor, I don’t call that voyeurism. I call it love.

[muffled voice of judge and prosecutor]

Of course I stopped her from talking to other boys. You know what all boys want. She doesn’t need to be around people like that. And sometimes she just doesn’t get it, so I have to scare her a little. But it’s for her own good.

[muffled voice of judge, bang of gavel]

Guilty? How can I be guilty? I sparkle in the sunlight!

[pause in recording]

Why is your bailiff named Buffy?

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